My childhood is trapped within the soundtracks of the video games I played extensively over the years. If i need to feel nostalgic I just need to play any song from Ocarina of Time and it’s instant holding back tears. I think back to being younger. The younger and more innocent incarnations of my family members. Some pets that aren’t around any more. It kills me. Sometimes its nice to focus on the crippling depression. I take a kind of solace in the constant reminder at my impending doom. I like to think about death. The constant fear makes everyday a little bit sweeter. I should cry everyday. The things that make me sad to remember the past is because I feel sad to regret I didn’t appreciate those days. I didn’t appreciate the people in my life. For a moment I can be so overcome with the guilt and it feels like my entire world is ending.
For a moment I slip deeper down into nihilism and depression. Then it hits me. Now has a future. A future me looking back. Even wiser. Regretting he didn’t cherish his 30s. Getting older is terrifying. A slow and painful death indeed. We joked about a quick and painless death when we were young but that was when we didn’t have anything to live for. I’m too far deep down these plans that take decades. I fantasise that one day I can become cancer. I look forward to having a massive tumour growing in my body and proudly telling everyone I’m gonna live with it. Forever. Just let it grow its a part of me really isn’t it? I’m not afraid to evolve. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll invite the world to augment me. Perhaps they can keep my brain communicating. Using electrodes or new scientific means that I could never think about.
I’d even communicate in morse code and evolve into a giant tumour with a brain kept alive by mechanical means. I’d probably be in agony as my nervous system mutates and grows but I’m determined by brain will survive. I’ll live forever.